Doing A NEW YEAR. Together, We Can: "This is lonely, but you don't have to be alone."

Grief and the New Year are a formidable combination - stuck between foe and 'frienemy' - at best. After the loss, just as the world moves forward in what feels like an unbelievable universal middle-finger situation, so do the people around us. It is as if we are stuck inside a small box, frozen in time, rendered mute, and inexplicably exhausted by an oppressive fog that consumes us. The swirling and twirling of life continue without regard or care for our broken hearts -- and there certainly was no permission asked, let alone granted.

Yet, just as 'pain happens but suffering is optional' (I believe that's the saying), I always say, 'This is lonely, but you don't have to be alone' because, as I discovered, it is accurate, and it matters. Community with fellow grievers matters immensely-- following a loss, yes, but I believe it matters going forward forever after.

Loss is both isolating and connecting. Ever since my son Alex died by suicide in 2016, I have felt more alone than I have ever felt in my life. And I have found some of the best people I have ever met to call friends. Duality like these are both commonplace and sharp in our life 'after.'

The first few years, I was surviving, and (eventually) I leaned into those glimmers of hope that started to show up. Then, a year after beginning my podcast, around 2021, I started this little online grief support space for moms like me. I only had an inkling of what could happen - born of those hope sparks. In the years that followed, I was blown away - and still am - at the power I see in this community.

I do, however, feel like a broken record some days, and 'find your community' is the lyrical skipping place on my album called "Grief." Over and over and over, I say it ... but with good and just reason. It matters in a way that a mask & snorkel matter for a diver, creating 'easier' air, with more ease and more moments to look around. We can dive, with or without a mask and snorkel... one experience is smoother, more precise, and less exhausting.

As I was over 3 years into my loss at the time (of starting my podcast), I recall saying the lockdown wasn't as hard for trauma survivors as we already knew about isolation, loneliness, and being kept at a distance for fear of what we have is 'contagious .'I also know that the pandemic stole many precious lives too soon and multiplied loss exponentially for the world around us -- not how we wanted to find commonality. Yet, ultimately, as death is the ultimate shared human condition, we all find ourselves a mourner at some point.

So, where do we find these new best friends, we never wanted (at least not for this reason) and now cannot imagine life without? An ideal starting place is in support groups. Then, look at the 'nooks and crannies' online- Facebook, Instagram, Google searches, and beyond.

So, going back to the topic of a new year. How do I 'do" New Year's Resolutions? Well, I don't. They are heavy and restricting and set us up for defeat. Life in the new year became more straightforward when I reduced my expectation hope to a guiding light -- a single word. A word is inspirational, offers guidance, and is forgiving and flexible.

I have kept a record of my "Word of the Year" going back to the fourth year after my loss, 2020—"The Great Freeze" --as a friend from down under calls it. I still use that term because it, in many ways, feels the most accurate—for a while, everything was just stopped, frozen...and yet, much like in grief, it had an illusionary quality - it was surreal. The calendar flipped the days away, yet things felt like we had gotten stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day." (I never liked that movie.) 

It's interesting to see the progression of my healing just by reading the words: "aplomb," "flourish," "choose," "level up," and for 2024, I chose "impact." For 2025, I am on to "collaboration," and yes, I had picked it prior to planning for this article...it's a natural progression of the work in the years prior for me. It also fits well with my Get Griefy community involvement. It all comes together when we make the choices, do the work (and lean into our new community). [Be sure to check out Get Griefy Magazine HERE) 

Finding your community is not just beneficial; it's essential during grief. It can dramatically shape your healing journey. By seeking out support groups—both in-person and online—you open the door to connections that can provide understanding, empathy, camaraderie, and even collaboration. Embrace the process of trial and error to discover the space where you feel most comfortable and supported. Remember, the relationships you build can turn your pain into shared experiences, leading to unexpected friendships and opportunities. So, take that first step; you never know who you might meet and how profoundly they could impact your life. Embrace the community that awaits you, and let it help you find light, even in the darkness.